I haven’t been updating this blog for a while; the cardinal sin of blogs, I know. I have to tell you, that anaconda I mentioned a while back? It hasn’t quite managed to, oh, masticate and digest me (I don’t think anacondas masticate anyway, but go with it), but it’s definitely got at least a grip on me with its jaws. And if I’m going to drop anything to keep myself from going down in flames, I have to say, the not-for-profit, maybe-three-readers-a-week blog is going to be the one I put on hold.
I apologize: I know how disappointing that probably is to my three readers.
Sorry.
I’m taking the time to post now, though, because I really need to just chill for a while, and I suspect that posting to the blog will do it.
So, the anaconda thing: It’s a little frustrating. Because, I have to tell you, I wasn’t going to get swallowed by the anaconda at all. I was going to make it—boy howdy, was I going to make it; I was on top of everything—except that people kept getting blood clots.
First it was a friend of mine. He was in terrible condition, but he’s much better now; up and walking around and basically back to being awesome again.
Now, it’s my sister.
I’m not terribly comfortable talking about my sister’s condition on the internet, so I’m going to leave it at “she’s in very bad shape”. If you’re someone who prays, please do.
But this blog is, after all, about the things I learn for myself re: being a healthy individual, and I have learned something from all this. It’s something important that I really do have to share. And you needed to know that bit about my sister to understand it.
Anecdote number one:
I skipped a class today. We had a lecture and then a quiz, and I asked to take the quiz and then leave, and they let me. There was a review session on Monday for the same class, and I skipped it, too. And you know, I could have gotten a higher score on that quiz—about 20%-25% higher, I’m guessing, although they haven’t graded it yet—if I had stayed. I decided it wasn’t worth it.
But I let the TA's know why I was leaving.
Anecdote number two:
I had a total meltdown on Saturday. Basically, I had that one day to catch up on everything, and my boss told me (in a non-optional sort of way) that I had to come in and work a double. I looked at everything I needed to do, realized I couldn’t do it all, and started just sobbing.
I cried for about an hour and half, and then I sort of pulled myself together while visiting my sister (for all of about three minutes, because I was already late) before going on in to work. I got to work, and someone asked me if I was okay; I put on my apron, and another person asked me if I was okay; I walked onto the floor, and a third person asked if I was alright…
…and I started sobbing again.
I explained to management that I was in a somewhat altered emotional state, and that I could not pretend to be normal long enough to give the guests a pleasant experience. My managers, sympathetic, sent me home. Another server traded me my scheduled shift that evening, too, which blew me away: all of a sudden, I was able to get everything done, spend time with my family, and have enough time to get my head on straight and recover.
Needless to say, my sympathetic managers also know about my sister.
Other than that, though, I haven't been talking about it. I've been reluctant to tell people about her, in part because, if I’m not taking time off of (whatever) specifically so that I can spend it with her, I feel like I’m using her as an excuse to do just what I wanted to do, anyway.
Except, as I realized tonight, that’s not it, really.
What is it, is that the stuff I want to do: get ahead on my lab notebook, pre-cook breakfasts for the week, spend some time walking around campus, visiting my parents and cuddling both them and their cats… That’s the stuff I used to want to do.
Now, given the outrageously high stress levels I’ve been thrust into, that’s all stuff I need to do. I no longer have the option of just bottling up the stress, because there’s too much to bottle. And I can no longer not-bottle by doing the same amount of, uh... decanting? My metaphor is starting to break down, here. The point is, though, that I need to do more than I used to need to do if I’m going to deal with the pressure that is upon me.
I was about to say that some things are going to have to get dropped, but I just realized that that’s not the case. Some things are going to have to be put down. And what I realized tonight is that when I put things down, I should tell people why I’m doing it. Because it’s not a ploy for sympathy if it’s all true, and the fact that I’m not spending the time at my sister’s bedside doesn’t mean that I’m not spending it doing something-I-wouldn’t-need-to-do-if-she-were-well.
Two more notes and then I’ll put this away and go study for my exam tomorrow:
Number one, if you’re reading this blog because you’re a friend of mine (and I’m pretty sure everybody who reads it is a friend of mine), and you haven’t heard from me in a while, this is probably why. It’s not personal.
Number two, if you have the urge to do something for my sister, you can pray, or… no, prayer is pretty much the only option, here. Her name is Hilary D. Hatch, one L.
Let us hold her in the light.
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